I'm a Super Hero

I have a super power and I’m going to auction off its use to the highest bidder. Actually, I’ll sell it to whoever wants to pay for it, so get your money ready.

What is my super power you ask?

Well I have the unique ability to cause the Chicago Cubs to lose any game that I happen to watch.

But Mike you say, the Cubs suck. They always lose. How is that a super power?

Good question. I would argue that the only reason they suck so bad is because I watch so many of their games. I can draw a direct correlation between the point in the game where I start watching them, and the point in the game where they blow a lead, or get the tying runner picked off first base, or walk seven guys straight.

For example, I tune in to the end of the game last week. The Cubs are up by one in the eight or ninth inning. Less than 10 minutes later, LaTroy Hawkins gives up four straight hits and the Cubs are losing. Last Friday, I’m at work minding my own business when I notice the Cubs are ahead in the eight. I pull up ESPN’s game cast, and watch as Hawkins loads the bases. He then catches a line drive up the middle and throws to first to double off the runner. Of course I am able to use my super powers to cause the ball to bounce off the runner’s helmet and carom into the stands, allowing the eventual winning run to score.

While you could argue that these are all just examples of Hawkins being the worst closer in the history of the game, and you’d be correct, I would like to think that without my influence he would saved at least one of those games.

Hawkins isn’t the only pitcher who I have this affect on. I tuned in during the fifth inning of a game this weekend. Glendon Rusch was pitching a great game in his first start until I started watching. He doesn’t make it out of that inning, and the Cubs go on lose their sixth or seventh straight. I could go on but I think you get the point.

So what am I going to do with my fantastic powers you ask? Never watch another Cubs game ever, like a good Cubs fan? No, and this is where fans of other National League teams come in. For a small fee, I will be willing to watch the Cubs game when they are playing against your favorite team, thus ensuring your team a victory. Or, for you unfortunate Cubs fans out there, you could pay me not to watch any more games, thereby giving the North Siders a chance to actually win once in a while.

Now, I’m not sure if my powers work for other teams, but I’d be willing to try. Any of you Minnesota fans out there want me to start rooting for the White Sox? Maybe I can snap that winning streak of theirs. I’ll give you a full money back guarantee, just in case it doesn’t work.

What’s that you say? Using my super hero powers for fun and profit and not the good of the people isn’t very super hero like. How could I do this to my fellow Cubs fans?

Hmm. You sure do ask a lot of questions, don’t you? Maybe I’m not a super hero after all. Maybe I’m a super villain. Now leave me alone, I have to go find a cape, and maybe a mask. And I’ll have to start working on my villainous laugh.

In the meantime, check your schedules, and figure out when the Cubs are playing your favorite team, and get your checks in the mail. Otherwise I won’t watch them and your time will lose. And it will be your fault.